Freedom
by M3
Summary: Helga carries out her plan to let go of everything.


Freedom

Freedom

(Disclaimer?You know the deal.This is only for fun.)

Author's Notes:This is my first Hey Arnold fic, but that doesn't mean I expect reviewers to take it easy on me!I originally wasn't going to bother posting this – I guess it's ridiculously serious and depressing for the type of show it is…or maybe that's just me being self-critical.Ah well.On with the fic.Happy reading…

Helga sat on her bed, legs dangling from the side and staring down at the carpet.She rehashed the details of her plan for today in her mind, the one that first struck her a month ago in bed.

It must have been a strange dream she'd had; she sat right up in the middle of the night with wide eyes.Her breathing was rapid and intense, but it wasn't a nightmare she had just experienced, she was sure of that.Whatever it was, she couldn't remember very many details, but it certainly struck a chord in her.Sitting up amongst the blankets, the only sense of anything she could recall was a perfection that she'd finally achieved.It was so simple, she chastised herself for never realizing it before.

But she was always one for giving herself a hard time.And why not?Her family certainly did, that was for sure.Big Bob and Miriam, Helga noted, may have been well-intentioned, but they didn't really try.Their disappointment was painfully evident, from calling her by her sister's name to only half paying attention whenever she had a question, wanted advice, or merely took a stab at small talk.This time, though, she was confident she could do them one better, and even the great, flawless Olga wouldn't be able to match it.Oh, they'd finally remember her name for this.

And Arnold…it was her fault again here, too.She was so hopelessly in love with for years, and here she was, sixteen and still hiding the secret.Not so much with the bully façade, but now more with the average act, appearing as blend-in as possible.But now she felt like she was past the point of ever pouring her heart out to him; besides, she reasoned, if she did that her heart would be drained of its blood and it was highly likely that there was no way he could ever fill it again.The only way that could ever be was if he felt the same way, and for that to happen he'd have to be just as in-love and for as long as she was.How ridiculous.He was dense, she recalled with a smirk, but if the densest person ever felt something as strong as that, well, even he could reach the conclusion quickly.

Phoebe was a sweet, smart girl, and Helga was grateful of their friendship, although it wasn't what it used to be.Over the years, Phoebe had made more friends than she had, and that was fine with her, but with her secrets Helga never felt she could truly open up and be a sincere friend to anyone, though she had her share of friendly acquaintances.That was good…

…but it wasn't perfect, which was exactly what Helga had been thinking as she sat staring at the carpet, lost in thought.So here she was, and today was the day everything would turn out just the way she wanted.

Now focused again on the present, she snapped out of her staring spell and stood up, checking everything that would be crucial to her idea.

The letter she'd started weeks ago and revised many times since was finished and final, securely sealed in an envelope addressed to everyone and anyone.She placed that on her nighttable such that it was prominent and easily noticeable.

Next came the small, slightly shiny thing, which she put in her pocket.

She then walked across her room to retrieve her jacket and paused in front of her mirror on her way out of her room.She hadn't meant to stop, but decided it couldn't hurt to glance.Her pink bow still rested on her blonde hair, which she wore down now.She was just as fond of that bow as Arnold was.She smiled in surrender at that, but knew it was time to get going.

Helga opened her door into the hallway, sighed and managed another small smile, conjuring up as much bravery as she could.She took a breath, continuing down the stairs to the front door and, closing it behind her, walked out to the sidewalk.

It was raining beautifully and the sky was the way it was such that one can't tell what time of day it is.Still smiling, Helga carried on with her solitary walk through the city, observing the familiar sights of homes, schools, businesses – all that made up her life.Her mind happily played out reflections of her favorite memories as she made her way to a secret, small garden.She had found it one day while strolling through the patch of trees in the park and it had been her favorite place ever since.The trees were a mild cover from the rain, which still found a way in, and the flowers, in all their blushing pink and crimson glory, were in full bloom.

Helga reached into her pocket for the rose-gold pillbox she had tucked into her pocket earlier and opened it, careful to catch the pills at the top that she knew might fall; after all, she had to fit as many into the little container as possible.She knew, too, that if she hesitated now she'd ruin everything, so she drew another breath as she pushed the first pill into her mouth and swallowed, continuing one after another until she finished.

It was at this time that Helga realized there was no turning back, even if she wanted to.She felt dizzy and it had nothing to do with the pills.

But then she remembered everything, everyone's lack of understanding and her own silly hopes.She recalled all the people she knew, everyone (though they were millions of miles away now), and in that instant decided they were all kind, no matter who they were and how they showed it.But they would grow old and live out their own ordinary lives while they could only wonder what she might have been, forever sixteen.

Helga thought of her own lost wishes and knew this was the part of her plan where she should be feeling saddest of all.But she felt no regrets because she was about to let go, which was much better than hopelessly holding on.She was so close to that freedom and aware that she was only moments away from the end as her train of thought slowed.Now, she could only stare up at the shelter of the trees and rest in the bed of flowers while the rain fell softly around her.

Finally at ease, she closed her eyes and smiled at the silence.It was the loudest sound she ever heard.


End file.
